What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
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If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
pelicons
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk