If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
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If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Feels
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.