The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
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If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy