“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Breaking news:
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives