Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
channeling her this year
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.