This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
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Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Sniffing the broccoli
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.