babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
You Might Also Like
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Danger is very dangerous
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.