Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
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How dude HOW?!
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
fourth time’s the charm
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.