Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
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Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.