6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
You Might Also Like
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
cyclists