“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
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*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Sign of the day..
am i feeling hopeful about the future?