BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
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I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
White Castle for the Win
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
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