If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
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There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
The big book of baby names but for safe words
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?