You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
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My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face