[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
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speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.