a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
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I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft