[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
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2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?