Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
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It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
wut hotdog?
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
my dog when i have a friend over
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…