Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
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Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.