If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
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A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Those are good neighbors.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning