If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
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This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.