me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
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Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Banking tips
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough