Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
You Might Also Like
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
those birds must be on payroll
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One