[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
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Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now