Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
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My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.