[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
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My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Meow