alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
You Might Also Like
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
good for her
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I am laughing way too hard at this.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%