me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
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8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
No, I don’t think I will.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50