Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
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Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm