Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
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Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
welp
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?