Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
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Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser