I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
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Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
This raises questions
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent