9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
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ibopfufen
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude