me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
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Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
i think we should see other cousins
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.