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Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.