Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
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my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.