Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
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The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
✌🏽
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?