Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
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Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
☠️☠️☠️
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Dear Lord..
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.