If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
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I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?