Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
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“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?