I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
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Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*