Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
They did not think through this water fountain
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*