[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
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I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
$3 #books
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp