Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
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I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
(2022)
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.