God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
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It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
What a year we’ve had this week.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.