[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
You Might Also Like
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan