A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
You Might Also Like
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
reduce, reuse, recycle
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
“so what brings you to therapy today?”