You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
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If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Breaking news:
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.