Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
You Might Also Like
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.