*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
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[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
🙅🏻
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while